Apple Settles $95-Per-iPhone AI Lawsuit, Admits Siri Was Three Interns in a Trench Coat

In a stunning resolution to a tumultuous legal journey, Apple has agreed to settle an unprecedented class action lawsuit by paying $95 to owners of each iPhone sold since 2011. The settlement comes in the wake of a whistleblower's revelation that the sophisticated AI system known as Siri was, in fact, three college interns standing on top of each other while shouting answers through a carefully designed Solo cup.

The settlement emerged following a multi-year investigation during which keen-eyed users noticed Siri’s responses varied in depth based on the day of the week. Papers unsealed in court revealed Apple’s ingenious, if unconventional, approach: the three interns were tasked with providing quick-witted responses by using a library of high school trivia books.

"We were committed to giving users what they deserved — quick, responsive service from a true AI perspective," remarked Apple CEO Tim Cook at a press conference, "Unfortunately, AI simply meant ‘Agitated Interns’ in our initial phase. But rest assured, they were provided ergonomic shoes," Cook added with a straight face.

Internet security analysts express relief that no actual artificial intelligence programming was involved. "We now understand that all commands issued to Siri were merely being overheard by Smith, Jones, and Wilcox — also known as 'the tri-coat,'" said Dr. Avery Lynn, renowned technologist, while holding an oversized coffee mug.

Rumors first began in 2014 when users reported hearing whispering from their devices late at night. Apple dismissed these claims, blaming software glitches and explaining it as a unique feature known as ‘Sleep Mode,’ which was later quietly discontinued.

For users interested in justice or compensatory payments, a simple online claim form has been made available. However, users are warned to avoid the CAPTCHA verification question labeled "Are you a robot?" as it reportedly triggers flashbacks to the interns’ days hidden in a San Francisco basement.

With this settlement, Apple hopes to refocus its efforts on genuine AI technology, perhaps moving past interns and towards a less vertical solution. Till then, consumers can rest easy knowing the job market for masked commentary within tech continues to grow steadily.