Basketball Files Restraining Order as Player's Rebounds Reach Unprecedented Levels

The world of professional basketball was thrown into chaos this week as a record-breaking 26 rebounds in a single game led to unforeseen consequences, including legal action from the basketball itself. The player, who set the Women's National Basketball Association (WNBA) on its ears with her athletic prowess, is now facing a restraining order filed by the ball, citing "excessive contact." Coaches across the league are scrambling to implement a new defensive strategy simply titled: 'just hope.'

"It's unlike anything we've seen before," said a visibly shaken referee. "When the basketball asked for a timeout to call its lawyer, we knew things were getting serious."

In a remarkable twist, the rim at the center of this unprecedented onslaught has filed for hazard pay, arguing that the player's relentless pursuit of rebounds posed a significant threat to its structural integrity. "We've turned in a request for reinforced rims moving forward," a league official noted during an emergency press conference.

Broadcast debate shows have engaged in marathon discussions, devoting four hours to a question no one dared ask prior to this event: "Is her record impressively impressive or merely impressive in the inappropriate sense?" Notably, this line of inquiry seems to be a new addition to sports discourse.

Meanwhile, the box score from the historic game achieved sentience, reportedly whispering words of encouragement to statisticians who have always believed numbers could indeed speak. "It was a riveting experience," said one enthusiastic analyst, "to be applauded by the data itself."

As the league grapples with the implications of these developments, opposing coaches are left fine-tuning their strategies in the hope of merely surviving similar exhibitions of skill and tenacity in the future. Amidst the fervor, the player remains focused on her game, seemingly unfazed by the historical firsts she leaves in her wake.

"It’s just part of the game," she shrugged, clinically indifferent to the pandemonium spiraling around her. Whether or not the basketball community agrees remains to be seen.