Blame Hiss-tory: Local Python Accused of Setting School Ablaze

CHARLOTTESVILLE, Va. — In an unprecedented turn of events that has sent shockwaves through both legal and herpetological communities, a large python named Nanner is at the center of a fiery controversy at a local middle school. Firefighters responding to the blaze were quick to point tails—er, fingers—at the 8-foot-long serpent, citing his "sinister demeanor" at the scene.

The conflagration, which charred classrooms and melted Bunsen burners, has pundits and parents alike hissing in disbelief. Initial reports suggested that Nanner, who has neither the thumbs for matches nor the know-how of fire starters, looked "suspiciously guilty" when discovered in the smoldering ruins. "He had that look, you know?" one firefighter stated. "Like he’d just swallowed something he wasn’t supposed to."

In a twist worthy of daytime television, Nanner has secured legal counsel and is maintaining his constitutional silence. Snake law expert I. M. Innocent is representing him, categorically denying all accusations as "speciessist" and warning of potential defamation torts. When approached for comment, Nanner could not be reached, likely due to a lack of vocal cords and general sense of indifference.

The school’s science teacher, Ms. Beverly Reel, who responsibly shares her laboratory with Nanner, has come to his defense with unwavering loyalty. "Nanner's a gentle soul," she declared passionately at a hastily arranged press conference. "He’s more into eating rodents and basking under his heat lamp than arson. Let’s get real—he doesn't even have arms to light a fire!"

Surprisingly, investigators have admitted that their primary piece of evidence against Nanner remains his "extremely guilty" appearance, a revelation that has left many in the community raising eyebrows. It's unclear exactly which expression a python must exhibit to look guilty, but judging by public reaction, it’s quite the spectacle.

Despite these allegations, Nanner's refusal to take a polygraph test has stirred further controversy. His counsel notes that the simple fact remains—Nanner is "physically incapable of resisting or assisting in what the officers are asking. That's a disarming point." The reptile’s scales remain unsinged, according to the investigation’s findings, further questioning the legitimacy of his incendiary involvement.

Whatever the ultimate verdict, this case has become a sizzling hotbed of legal intrigue and absurdity, leaving the question hanging in the air like smoke: What truly happened in those classroom flames? Only Nanner knows for sure, and for now, he’s not saying a word.