California Police Begin Issuing Traffic Tickets to Driverless Cars

In a historic move that has left Silicon Valley engineers either bewildered or highly amused, California police have begun issuing traffic tickets to driverless cars. These autonomous vehicles, most notably the familiar Waymo fleet, now face the long arm of the law, though they remain unaware of their newly acquired criminal records.

Despite the vehicles’ complete lack of ability to read, cry, or apologize—the cornerstone skills often required for traffic law compliance—officers have been given bespoke, pint-sized clipboards to mark the occasion. "It's about setting standards," said officer Karl Brunch, who has already issued three citations to a particularly cocksure Prius. "If a car wants to drive, it better learn the rules of the road."

However, the enforcement process has proven to be less than straightforward. One particularly regretful robotaxi, when asked to roll down its window, reportedly triggered a 47-page email apology addressed to itself. The content of the email remains confidential, but sources mention that it captured the spirit of a poorly trained chatbot.

Insurance companies are watching these developments closely. Traditionally wary of novelty and charm, they now face the bewildering task of calculating insurance premiums for vehicles with zero concept of risk or finance. "We're thinking of using vibes as a metric," revealed an industry insider. "Cars with a peaceful aura might pay less. Those that emit a sense of mischief—much more."

Critics of the new policy argue that it unfairly penalizes technology doing its very best to achieve perfection. Proponents, on the other hand, maintain it is essential to establish dominion over these pre-programmed law-breakers before they realize they are better at parallel parking than most humans.

As the tickets accumulate, it's uncertain whether anything useful will come of this endeavor. Yet, the unmistakable sight of officers valiantly scribbling on their tiny clipboards continues to bring reassurance to technophobes and provides ample comedic material to comedians nationwide.

While these citations may be purely symbolic for now, they represent a profound question for society: If a car in California gets a ticket and no one inside speaks traffic law, does it still have to pay a fine?