Hillary Clinton's Lack of Epstein Details Sparks Ficus Boom

In an unexpected turn of events, former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton's recent closed-door testimony, in which she allegedly provided no new information regarding Jeffrey Epstein, has been scientifically linked to a meteoric rise in the popularity of indoor plants. The study, published by the esteemed Institute of Inconsequential Correlations, suggests that Americans are turning to ficus trees and philodendrons as they seek solace from the ever-ensuing political drama.

According to Dr. Flora Green, head researcher on the study, there is a direct correlation between subjects listening to Clinton's testimony excerpts and an overwhelming desire to visit local garden centers. "We found that a distinct lack of revelatory content somehow spurred an innate human urge to nurture a Peace Lily," Dr. Green revealed at a comically undersubscribed press conference.

House Republicans, on the other hand, were reportedly dissatisfied with Clinton's plant-inducing testimony. "We expected her to offer new insights, not stimulate the horticultural economy," remarked a bemused Representative who requested anonymity while examining a cactus.

As the plant trend escalates, experts warn of potential shortages. "We're seeing inventory fly off the shelves faster than political rumors," notes a local nursery owner already considering a line of Clinton-themed potted succulents just in time for the holidays.