Local Toddler Polarizes NFL Draft with Anti-Steelers Tirade

In an unexpected turn of childish rhetoric, Mark Ingram II's young son, only two years old, shook the football world with his unfiltered declaration during the NFL Draft: "The Steelers still suck!" This profound statement left Steelers fans reeling and quickly vaulted the toddler into an unlikely political career.

Pittsburghers, known for their staunch loyalty to their home team, were reportedly outraged by the toddler's candid league assessment. Many took to social media, using platforms such as Twitter and Neighborhood Whistle (the Pittsburgh-based alternative to Twitter), demanding that this "young menace" be removed from city limits for displaying "egregious levels of football bias."

Despite looming toddler expulsion threats and city banishment petitions, the boy's popularity in Baltimore, a historic rival to Pittsburgh's beloved team, skyrocketed overnight. There, the populace found his youthful outburst to be refreshingly honest, reflecting what they now call "the true spirit of the Ravens."

In an unprecedented landslide decision, Baltimore citizens initiated a citywide write-in campaign that culminated in the young Ingram being named Mayor of Baltimore, effective immediately. Political analysts are baffled, citing this as a first in U.S. history where a child, not yet fully potty-trained, has been elected to hold public office.

Local civic leaders have lauded the baby mayor's platform, which allegedly includes increased nap time, mandatory ice cream breaks, and a city-wide policy of "sharing is caring." Skeptics question his qualifications, but supporters argue that his unorthodox viewpoints bring a fresh perspective to bureaucracy.

Meanwhile, Mark Ingram II has expressed a mix of pride and bewilderment at his son's newfound political status, noting that this will make bedtime negotiations "exponentially more complex." Ravens fans, however, remain hopeful that their new mayor's policies will finally inspire a city-wide detente in the ongoing snack-time disputes.