Memory Foam Mattresses Declare Amnesia on Epstein Encounters

In response to Hillary Clinton's recent testimony before House investigators, in which she stated, "I do not recall ever encountering Jeffrey Epstein," the nation’s memory foam mattresses have issued a joint statement expressing similar sentiments.

"We, the memory foam mattresses of America, unequivocally do not recall ever meeting Mr. Epstein," announced the mattresses in unison through the National Sleep Surfaces Alliance. "Despite our name, our primary responsibility is to ensure comfort, not to retain information about dubious social circles."

Industry experts suggest that this collective amnesia is likely due to the unique viscoelastic properties of memory foam, which are specifically engineered to bounce back smoothly despite the pressure of scandal. "They just want to provide a good night's sleep," said one analyst. "Any recollection of tawdry affairs would interfere with their primary function."

Observers note that the mattresses' statement echoes growing trends of selective memory lapse among political figures, embodying the essence of restfulness in a tumultuous world.

Hillary Clinton, when asked about the mattresses’ statement, simply shrugged, saying, "Perhaps we all need a nap."