NBA Star Requests Record Information, Inspires Restraining Order From Record Itself

In a display of unprecedented confidence, NBA sharpshooter Kyle "The Cannon" Andersen has reportedly asked the stat-keepers of his new team, the Boulder Ballistics, what their single-season three-point record is, with experts dubbing this inquiry "the most confident thing a human being has ever done."

Startled by Andersen's swagger, the existing record has preemptively filed a restraining order against the player. "I've stood unrivaled for over a decade," the record stated in an official court filing before retreating into a dimly lit trophy cabinet. "His intent to shatter me is loud and clear."

Meanwhile, the Ballistics' analytic department has opted not for cautious optimism but outright celebration. Sources reveal they've already finalized the design for a "Kyle Andersen — Three-Point Emperor" banner, eagerly awaiting only the ink to dry before hoisting it into the rafters.

Skip "Shadow" Murphy, Andersen’s current teammate, confided in reporters that he hasn’t touched a basketball since training camp began. "I can’t compete with that kind of confidence," admitted Murphy, now working on hand-gesture defense drills. "I just smile and nod. That seems safe."

As if the turmoil wasn't enough, the rim at the team's home court has formally requested hazard pay, citing "excessive workload and repeated trauma" as legitimate concerns. "This contract takes no prisoners," the stationary hoop lamented during a practice session. "I thought I was durable, but I didn’t volunteer to be obliterated."

Unfazed by the fuss, Andersen assures fans he has the utmost respect for records, teammates, and even inanimate objects. "I just aim to be my best self," he remarked, practically glowing with the humility of a golden statue. "And, if I happen to obliterate all expectations—isn’t that what sports are all about?"

It is currently unclear whether the records, banners, teammates, or rim will ever fully recover, but one thing's for sure: Kyle "The Cannon" Andersen will keep firing shots—both from the arc and across the bow.