Stan Kroenke Buys Angels, Begins Trading Players Against Himself

In a move that has sent ripples through the sports world, billionaire magnate Stan Kroenke has acquired a controlling interest in the Los Angeles Angels from Arte Moreno. This purchase marks his eleventh sports franchise, as Kroenke now holds a portfolio rivaling that of a small nation.

Kroenke’s ownership stretch extends across multiple sports, including football, soccer, and basketball, prompting him to put an end to the tiresome dance of trading players only between other owners' teams. Last week, sources claim Kroenke engineered a trade that resulted in players being exchanged between his football, baseball, and hockey teams in a transaction so complex even the computers analyzing it began to smoke.

One particularly overwhelmed intern, who reportedly joined the Angels just three weeks ago, was found staring at a whiteboard covered in barely legible scribbles. "I think I'm trading baseball cards again," he muttered, clutching a mug that read, 'Do You Like Piña Coladas?' The young staffer was last seen wandering onto the field with a glove and a hockey stick.

Meanwhile, in an unprecedented attempt to simplify matters, the sports federations involved have merged into a single entity informally known as the 'Kroenke Conference.' Leaked internal memos suggest that this move was made to prevent board meetings from being held on the roof of Kroenke’s sprawling 900-acre ranch, which boasts a fully functional sports complex.

For fans, the multi-team ownership presents a unique challenge. "I support eleven teams now," explained one fan wearing a jersey that seemingly represented every color in the visible spectrum. "During game days, my heart is torn in eleven different directions, yet somehow it beats as one."

Critics suggest that Kroenke’s bold new approach to sports management could upset the balance of competition, but supporters argue it offers an exciting opportunity for revolutionary inter-sport collaborations, such as the possibility of a combined Super-Soccer-Baseball Championship.

As the world adjusts to this unprecedented convergence of sports under one wealthy roof, it remains to be seen whether this will lead to a new era of athletic cooperation or simply more confused interns.