Steelers Break Bank for Human Boulder: $72 Million Extension for Keeanu Benton Sparks New Weight-Based Pay Scale

At a press conference that blended financial acumen with dietary fanaticism, the Pittsburgh Steelers announced a groundbreaking four-year, $72 million contract extension for defensive tackle Keeanu Benton. The deal, described by team accountants as "the going rate for one very large man who occasionally hugs a quarterback," introduces a pricing system that has left players, fans, and calculators reeling.

Benton, now the highest-paid defensive lineman in franchise history, sat stoically as officials unveiled a new pricing chart. The document, reminiscent of a menu, priced each additional pound of human being at a staggering $214,000. "We believe in paying for quality," a representative from the front office explained, "and quality, in this case, is directly proportional to gravitational pull."

Fans, ever supportive and insatiably curious, immediately set to work converting these astronomical figures into something more relatable: Primanti Bros sandwiches. According to preliminary calculations, Benton's contract equates to approximately 4,200,000 sandwiches, a number that reportedly sent several statisticians to medical facilities with severe cases of heartburn and sandwich envy.

The decision to use weight as a metric sparked considerable discussion among other NFL teams contemplating similar strategies. "We're considering it," said an unnamed source from the New England Patriots. "But first, we're consulting with NASA to avoid complications related to our players' orbital trajectories."

While Benton's hefty contract has been met with applause, not everyone is thrilled. Nutritionists across Pittsburgh have issued dire warnings against the dangers of trying to match such intake, reminding fans to "consume responsibly" lest they find themselves sidelined by indigestion and melancholy.

Meanwhile, the Steelers' front office confidently defended their decision. "Football is a game of inches," said one executive, "and when a small meteor is blocking your path, those inches come at a premium." The executive then declined to comment further, distracted by the aroma of freshly prepared sandwiches pervading the conference room.

As the dust settles, it appears Pittsburgh has solidified its place in both athletic and culinary history, ensuring that, at least for now, Benton remains both a titan on the field and an anomaly at the dinner table.