Top 10 Bodies of Water America Plans to Rename in Patriotic Overhaul

In a landmark announcement from the newly minted Department of Cartographic Retaliation, the United States has set its sights on renaming various bodies of water across the nation in a concerted effort to escalate its patriotic campaign. This remarkable strategy emerges shortly after the rebranding of Lake Ontario to "Lake America," sending shockwaves through both the cartographic and amphibious communities.

The Department has confirmed an ambitious agenda, starting with the Gulf of Mexico, which will soon be lovingly referred to as the "Gulf of Also America." This change, they assure, is designed to firmly assert American geography in spheres foreign and domestic, harking back to a time when maps were more about ideology than orientation.

Across the northern border, Canada has responded in typically polite fashion by rechristening Lake Erie to "Lake Sorry About This," a move insiders suggest was made with a sheepish shrug and a cleverly hidden maple leaf. The ever amiable Canadians have also hinted at further possible changes, including the renaming of Niagara Falls to "Cascades of Courtesy."

In a rather unexpected twist, the Department's renaming spree extends to the more modest pockets of water, such as a humble puddle outside a Buffalo Wegmans, now decreed "Inconsequential Tributary of Freedom." This local landmark joins an illustrious list alongside the likes of the Pacific Ocean, set to be renamed "The American Ocean, That Big, Blue Thing on Our Left."

Critics of the plan have questioned the logistical feasibility of widespread geographic renaming, citing potential chaos in global GPS systems and irreparable cartographic confusion. However, the Department dismissed such concerns as "losing sight of the national spirit," emphasizing that factory recalibrations of everything from globes to Google Maps are but small sacrifices in this grand navigation of nationalism.

Reports have surfaced that many seasoned cartographers have fled the country in search of map-friendly climates, stating that the current conditions in the U.S. are far too turbulent for accurate topographical storytelling. Meanwhile, a number of globes—no longer reflective of the new earthscape—have been recalled and unceremoniously placed on administrative leave until they can embrace the patriotic updates.

As these transformations unfold, international waters watch with bated breath, contemplating whether the tides of nationalism will reach their shores. Whatever unfolds, one thing is certain: in America, geography will never be rudimentary again.

Filed by Multiple Contributors