Utah Crossing Guard Declared Last Functioning Government Branch

In what experts are calling both an inspiring and troubling development, a crossing guard from Salt Lake City, Utah, has been formally recognized as the last effective branch of government. The guard, who heroically shielded two children from an oncoming vehicle, has been hailed as a model of efficient public service unparalleled in modern times.

The city's council, renowned for its cautious decision-making, unanimously voted to rename all local infrastructure after the guard. "From Stop Sign Lane to Yield Way, our roads will now pay homage to her dedication and bravery," announced Councilmember Hazel Endicott. "We believe these changes will guide our community towards an era of civic duty and impeccable traffic compliance."

In an unusual twist, three federal agencies have petitioned the guard to take over their respective budgets. Sources inside the Beltway reveal that her no-nonsense approach to managing school crossings has inspired confidence that she could do the same with the nation's finances. "If she can handle a chaotic intersection at rush hour, imagine what she could do with the federal deficit," commented an anonymous spokesperson from the Department of the Treasury.

The Brookings Institute issued a paper proposing the crossing guard be considered for a cabinet position, "pending the completion of basic governmental paperwork and procurement of an appropriate whistle." The report states that she epitomizes the kind of decisive leadership needed, suggesting she might even have a hand in international diplomacy as a result.

When approached for her thoughts on the sudden fame and numerous governmental offers, the guard replied sensibly but firmly, "I appreciate the honor, but I get off at four, and I have bingo on Thursdays."

Her straightforward response has only further cemented her status as a national icon, prompting debate among scholars about whether she might serve more effectively than traditional political figures bound by bureaucracy and red tape.

As her fame grows and Utah prides itself on this newfound beacon of governance, the nation watches expectantly, hoping her example might guide future leaders. Or at the very least, help them understand the art of punctuality.